Thursday, February 16, 2017

Familiar Habits

So here I am at a fork in the road again. Do I commit to a sixth  month intense personal journey with a personal trainer? Do I put myself out their in front of gym bunnys and the corporate elite? (The gym is in the TD building) it's a lot of money and I don't know if it's a strain my bf and I can bare. He says yes but what about the unforeseen. What happens when he needs my financial support and I can't give it to him? What then? But this is an important step towards my new futare. I believe it's the right one for a new and healthier me. The decision to have a personal trainer worth over $4000 for 6 months could be the key to my best self. If I don't take this new journey into healthy living will I fall into my deathly familiar habits? This is a fork in the road that could be one of my remains few. I am reaching middle aged after all.

With decisions like this I wonder how my family live with this disease. It's 2am and here I am in Dis-ease. I should really talk to my sister more about this and what she does to fight for her life. I love my native hareitage but being secuptable to this should have been something I learned to care about while I was younger. How much of my life is based upon this personal failure is yet to be fully realized but if this is only the beginning then I have quite the struggle a head. 

Friday, February 10, 2017

A promise to myself.

So I decided to stay in today. It was super cold and I need to get used to my new medication that really hurts my stomach. Tomorrow is gonna be gorgeous so I will definitely be doing the things I have to do to get my new life in order. I am trying to make sure I do my morning yoga and alway keep my place cleans. Fixing my bed is also very important. Because a clean safe space creates a healthy positive feeling. And that's what I need if I'm ever going get good health.

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Carpe DIem!

I haven't blogged in ages. So much has changed since my last update. I am now in the longest relationship I've ever been in. I live in a loft style apartment in the exchange like I always wanted. I have a pretty sweet life. Of course that is a bullshit simplification I tell people I don't really know to appear as though my life is stable and healthy. Alas, I am but a fraud! By which I mean my apartment is always cold and the alarm in the building screeches far to frequently than it should. I don't have much friends that I feel have my back. Everything except my loving relationship of course. . But just because their are two sides to every lie doesn't mean there isn't some truth to be found. I am content with a lot in my life. But there is a lot more I can be doing. Work, school and even planning for the future to name a few! 

I am so angry with myself. I am a living cliche. I just discovered that I'm Diabetic. A Diabetic fat Indian. And yes that's harsh but you know what. Of course it's harsh. It should be. I am exactly the trope I always New I was gonna be. This should be a moment of true irony. I drink to much, say to much, eat to much. And get hardly do anything. I haven't saved a dime or gained any momentum on my novel ideas beside a few blurbs on my notes (here). So if this isn't the wake up call I need. Then there isn't ever going to be one. And I'll end up on the street with stomps drunk with one partially good eye. A future I'm sure some hope for me and definitely one most people can see happening to me. Unless of course I make this my moment. 

So I will. This must be. This is the first day of the rest of my life. Carpe Diem! From now on I will seize the day! I must if I am to live with all my extremities intact! As a smart man once said. The hardest obstacle we face, is ourselves!

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Racism is Alive and Well! but not as he see's it.

CMHR promotes cultural inequality with free entrance policy | Columnists | Opini

This is such reverse racism, this guys is not just playing devils advocate he is literally tryig to justify inequality as equality! Seriously talented as though he may be, I mean you have to be ttalented to come up with this shit, he really has a dark spot on his heart and his craft. To feel comfortable spouting such crafted hate has got to place a blindfold on his conciouse. This isnt just his hatred but the platform he is using to spill this hate to the country. THE SUN news paper is allowing such hate speech and has been doing so for quite some time. Racism is alive and well! Just not how the writer explaines it.

A moment and a song

Band Of Horses - The Funeral (2006):

I listened to this song during one of the saddest moment of my life. It was a haunting experience that sort of sobered me in the truest sense. If it seems dark, understand that it wasn't on purpose, though I am glad it happened. But it hightened the reality I was coming to terms with in that moment. My mortality.

I feel like thats what the most profound music can do. Great music, elevates the most important thing about life, our emotions, our ability to feel for ourselves and for others. And it connects us beyond logical thought or communication.

So find that music that speaks to you and listen to it unabashedly and loud. Always keep looking for the next biggest song that becomes the soundtrack of your life. 

This is track no.7 of the Koen's Life's Moment's album.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Brand New Stars

The Colony

Waking up screaming is a normal  effect of anxiety, or so they tell me. I wish I could say that I believed them. But I know it's standard procedure to try and discover the weak willed in the group. 5 weeks to deployment and I am still being tested. Sitting here at 8:15 trying to exposé my inner most fears to this nice enough psych aid. And yes sometimes I wake up in sweat. But I couldn't tell her that. If I told her I thought I was doing the most freighting thing in my career, my life! Than I know they wouldn't keep me on the shuttle crew list. 

BLC rough


The vampire plague is a disease that drains liquids from the body and hollows the bones. It attacks the brain,  making it create more and more endorphins and testosterone. Creating a feral, stiff yet light creature and literally slows down the aging process to a crawl. 
Plasma with extremely similar genetic code is the only way to prolong the lifespan of those infected. Injected regularly the need for plasma is placated but never gone. 
At the moment of infection the body shuts down completely and begins the long process of converting to its environment. The process expels liquids from the body. It is a disgusting site but mimics certain poison related deaths. 
Only blood by blood exposure can infect others.

Once infected those bloodlines similar to the host are the only way to survive. As such, a system arose between those who's bloodlines matched and a simple bartering economy was created. However, as many vampires became unable to maintain their own cravings they would often drink their relatives dry. Many feuds were created because of this and large battles were forged with alliances forming.
 A new order of lords and ladies were empowered to create sustain and maintain the amount of vampires allowed be in one region. And a rotation system was created to help lose suspicion. However the food source soon became an issue again thus leading to a new ecological system and structure to be used in place of the old. 

The Stalk was created, a complex tried and true method of ensuring a constant and sustain-full food source. Many company's became fronts for The Stalk, including blood banks and dating match sites to continuing resources. Those with more money and power controlled the affluence of their regions.. 

As well as influencing the lives of so much of their herd, there became a need to protect there investments from the unordained vampires. So trust funds and privilege (there for protection) were made for those who bloodlines became fewer and farther between. 

Many believe the first vampire was in fact an Egyptian pharaoh  who sired king Tutankhamen. Although there is now way to know. It is known that Tutankhamen father did usher in a new belief structure before his death. 

The Bloodlust Chronicles 

Chapter 1: New life

Everyone at some point in their lives wished that they could be someone else. To be stronger, smarter or more handsome. Some people think that they can, just by joining a new religion, gym class or by moving somewhere new. It took my death to realize that, sometimes, you can never be the same again. No matter how hard you wished you could and then that can be so much more worse. But It also took my death to save my life.

“Chazwell Moore?” asks a dishevelled man sitting in a desk in an auditorium. Filled with about 5 people in the seats.

“Here” I answered the instructor of my morning economics class. “And its just Chaz, please.” I add bringing out my laptop. Taking economics at 8:15 wasn't my first choice when I started my first year of University. But everything else was full and it had only 8 other students. So I knew I could raise my hand and ask questions on any of the papers. Not that I'm incredibly shy and awkward around people. Though I am, but because I'm not entirely sure what economics is about. And I was quite certain no amount of classes was gonna change that.

“Eddie Thompson?” asks the instructor now. Sounding more and more monotone as he progresses through the names.

I mean I know it involves how our society distributes goods and services but I'm just genuinely lost on the subject. As I can see everyone but three petite Asians are. Wait, was that racist? I don't think it was. As I'm sitting here contemplating this I get brought back to reality by someone walking by my line of vision and into a seat in front of me. A tall dark haired guy with a leather jacket and torn jeans, cute I think but I've been wrong before. Sometimes guys just look better from the back.

Three painfully long hours later, I'm just getting out of class. I finally get a glimpse of the guys face as he passes me in the hall. He's gorgeous. A strong jaw, deep brown eyes and beautiful full lips. I knew I was gonna need a better seat in class if I was ever gonna survive this term. Nothing like some eye candy to make anything bearable. Let's hope the rest of my classes aren't as boring as economics. 
I signed up for psychology at 12:30 at the Romston Building across campus. Fuck, no time for lunch. I better just grab something on my way their. Looking down at my student map I figure out where I am and make a bee line for a sandwich stand supposedly down a bike path on my way to psych. The rain from this morning has settled down and I'm fighting the wind and mist down the path. Theirs some shrubs and grass but its mostly a worn cement walkway. As I pack the map away in my satchel I've deciding that wearing cargo shorts that reach down well below my knees was a smart bet. Not as smart as actual pants but I can at least blame that weather man. The tank top and thin button up wasn't that smart however and I can blame that on fashion over function.

Continuing down the path to a clearing I notice the food vendor. A small cart with a panini grill and a woman smiling at me. My stomach starts to grumbles when it smells the sweet scent of food. The lady working the stand is a sweet eco friendly hippy who gets chatty with me.

“Hello, their earth child. What can I get for you this beautiful day?” she says to me. “Everything is made with the freshest of ingredients picked directly from my own garden.”

I look down at my watch and its 12:15 how did that happen? “Oh hi, I'll have the special. Do you take the lunch card?”

“No I'm sorry,” She fiegns sadness. “Only cash here I'm afraid. I'm not actually part of the school see. The pathway is public property so I just ask the park people if I can set up shop here. Its perfect cause students really need the healthiest food they can get to study right?” She stars at my card now and then back at me.

It takes me a minute to find my wallet in my bag and glance at the menu. There are only three items on a child’s chalk board in bubble writing.

Today's Menu $10
Lemongrass Faux Pork Sandwich
Dandelion Salad W/ Pomegranate Dressing
Grilled Spam on Rye with Avocado and Spicy Mayo

None of it actually appealing and I wonder if being late for my first class to grab a burger is going to really matter? Thankfully I remembered to bring some cash with me and choose to just try the least nauseating thing. “I'll try the fried spam please.” My face contorted with fear by my request. Checking the time I find its now 12:24 and I watch in horror as she carefully assembles my lunch. I put the money on the cart and grab my napkin wrapped spam as I haul ass down the path to the Romston Building.

“Careful hun, its still pipe'n hot from the grill!” she yells at me. It is at this point that I notice the steam coming from my hand. But I'm full on running down the trail now towards the building in sight and for some reason, instead of throwing down the hot sandwich from hell! I start to squeeze it.

“Uuuuugh!” I'm groaning as I make it to the doors of the building and run through the main hall passing people on the stairways. I pause for a moment realizing I have no idea where to go next, so I scan the hall. “Gheg' ge grr.'” I'm flinch saying now. Psychology is written on flip chart next to a door in the hall and I sprint to it in a strange gallop. Sliding inside I stop dead on. The room is filled with at lease 30 people staring at me now. I make my way to a seat holding the straightest expression I can and take a seat at the tail end of the auditorium. Releasing the now tubed sandwich and breathing an incredible sigh of relief. “Ahhhh.”

My hand is florescent red and white hot to the touch. I'm great-full that its third degree burns but I am definitely not gonna be able to write anything down or use a computer to take notes for the rest of the day. As I'm relaxing my hand to the side I take out my laptop and set up to record an audio file for the lecture. I can feel someone watching me. It's the hottie from economics!?!?! He's sitting right next to me and for sure has a smile on his face. Now my face is starting to match the colour of my hand as I hit record. “Ouch!” Wrong hand.