Choices

The events leading up to this part of my life have been rocky at best. A series of rather unfortunate events lead me to this critical junction, continue on to try and become a chef? Or do I stay here in Dauphin and be content with the little I've carved out for myself? I seem to be at a crossroads, a precibus in which my life will forever change. Yet again I am caught thinking of times in my life when I felt the presence of the end. The Blankness I shall call it, Yes I have faced it before. I was a child when it first happened to me, I spoke ill of my brothers friend during the winter and was pushed to my almost certain death. A car hit me and I was saved miraculously. I should or could have died right then and their but for some reason I didn't and it is this event that has shaped the person I would become today. The more recent times came when I was but a younger man barely 18 when I was held at gun point, and again when I was 23. What do you expect from a kid from the ghetto. I guess I have experienced it many times in my life to know when I step into the choices that will take me ever closer to The Blankness. I wonder if my life will have meaning. I wonder if I can truly have redemption for the shitty things I've done in my life. I doubt that my impact on this world would be as drastic as a breeze on an empty beach. And yet I exist, I have a small role to play in this modern chaotic world of cause and effect. Everyone has their role. I know that what I decide to do will ripple its way through time, whether or not that means I will be remembered or have impact is what frieghtens me. I don't want to be a building decrepit and derelict, left for time to bury. 

Mature High School is just like high school

This is a vid of the kinds of things I'm preview too during class... Proving high school is the same even the second time around

(Video pending)

Androids Are Awesome!

So let me explain the circumstances that brought me to the hospital with a bleeding ear... I had recently had a wicked hang over and was working with only one other co-worker when it came to my attention my ear was itchy. so I folded down the tippy top of my right ear and heard this sort of crunch noise that startled me completely. At that point I decided I needed to check this shit out. I stuck my index finger into my ear and discovered a sticky substance. Not being new to the exploration of this particular orifice I could only speculate that I was pulling out a waxy substance. However, upon my inspection I discovered a more gruesome sight. The warm ruby colored liquid gave me such a freight that I do not believe I took a breath for 10 seconds. At this point and with complete composer I walked over to my co-worker and asked if we had Q-tips. My co-worker, puzzled, answered "yes" followed immediately after which with "whats wrong?" I told her the situation and I proceed to the first aid. I confirmed my early discovery and decided to call my boss for a ride to the hospital.

After 45 minutes of pondering through the list of possible reasons for my now defining headache and dizziness, I believed that I was either about to lose my life or my ear. A thought that a spider resided in my ear canal and became agitated when I squished my ear down, thus  giving it a reason to bite me and protect itself. But I soon came to the realization that if a spider was hatching its larva in my ear than I no longer even wanted ears and that amputation wasn't such a bad idea! Since "they" are perfecting bionic ears http://news.discovery.com/tech/bionic-ear-120501.html and Androids Are Awesome! http://www.pastemagazine.com/blogs/lists/2011/09/10-best-fictional-cyborgs.html So after the initial diagnostic from a nurse it became apparent that some sort of lesion in the ear had occurred at some point in the night and had just begun to heal causing a scab to form and become itchy. My disturbance of said scab then caused me to bleed and the irritated lesion in the ear caused my brain to associate this damage in the aforementioned headache and dizziness.

So after the embarrassment of overreacting and jumping to such high conclusions I headed on back to work and never told a sole besides the 2 co-workers present for the mini freak-out.

Late night ponderings

As of 2013 I am a youth drop-in working cat owning fatty! Over eating and starting school in less than 4 hours. Why am I still up!?! I don't know? The band office hasn't paid for my school despite my constant nagging and their reassurance. All this and I'm still offering advice like I'm fucking Obi Wan Can Obi! Spelling? Fuck it! Like I'm motherfucking Yoda!

I guess the first thing I can do is try and sleep. Then find a binder and coffee in the morning and head to my first day of school like I attended my last, half asleep and socially awkward. I wish I could say the lack of sleep was the reason but I'd be lying. I'm just awkward. Plus side, Dalyse is trying to attend and another co-worker "raunchy Ronny". My sister Melanie gave him this nick name. She said it just kinda happened and stuck. Why, I don't know exactly. But I can guess something dirty. Although my sister a bit of a prude so that could be a trucker limerick. lol

As for my new job, I'm working at the DFC Youth Drop-In as a youth working doing crafts and gym nights. How is it that I always end up in the field? I cook once and they loved it. A simple hamburger helper but they just couldn't get enough. I really like it. The only problem is attendance. Which is the problem most places face. With video games, iPods, youtubes and facebooks out their programs and drop-ins are starting to become obsolete?!?

But I should get some sleep. Night y'all

Just some thoughts while looking at my ceiling!

Thanksgiving not so thankful

Imagine a happy family eating around a beautifully decorated Dinning room table. Passing peas and potatoes to each other and bowing their heads in prayer as they begin their meal. They might say grace and then coax each other into saying what makes them thankful. A tradition in family's for generations. It just seems all so picturesque, right. Well we don't live in a hallmark commercial! This day isn't about being thankful. I'ts about covering up something horrible and despicable with excess and gluttony. The thousand year old lie about a beautiful idea. Today, on American Thanksgiving, as usual, I hear the same old tropes. "Native Americans (these days its impolite to use the word Indian, I wonder how long it took for savage to be unpopular?) saw that the pilgrims and all their buckles were starving since they crops didn't grow. So the Native Americans shared their knowledge of the land and they had a feast to celebrate and that is how Thanksgiving came to be."

Then of course their are the countless jokes about the Native Americans using fire water to cope with the endless and inevitable changes. Sometimes they forgo the story and gloss over the horrific tragedy's all together and talk about how "this is the day we are thankful for what is and not what might have been". This is indeed the worst of all evils. to rewrite history on a yearly basis.

Teaching countless generations that they must be thankful that they are on this land, because of trickery and the naivety of a peaceful though protective for all the right reasons people and a genocidal plot, just doesn't sound like turkey time.

I want to say that although these are my feelings on American Thanksgiving from an outsiders perspective  I am sure that not everyone is as ignorant as the generalized people I make them out to be. So here is some lighthearted fun from Dave Chappelle, take it away Chappelle!

Weekends (!!!Movie Review!!!)

This movie was amazing! it raises a lot of good points about the lack of sexual freedom we as non heterosexuals deal with on a daily basis. some of it is internalized because of the onslaught of hetero stimuli and the lack of the alternative. Some can be attributed to the sheer fact that when it comes to good movies with same sex partners you don't have a lot of options. Even still can a hetero male go to the movies and watch a movie like this without having to deal societal pressure against these movies? There are a lot of gay movies out their, but so much are campy and/or to related to soft core porn. This movie handles its medium and audience with a bit more maturity and respect! Give it a watch and tell me what you think! let me know in the comments! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUU_WzRBHX4

Givens

In my life their are certain givens. On of which is that I sing horribly but will still sing a song like I'm the fucking reincarnated Whitney Houston (too soon?). Complete with finger waving and hand a covering my ear. I will sing songs repeatedly, over and over gain until I can mimic the singers infliction's to a T. Another given is that I will undoubtedly be bored to death with whatever it is I am doing. school, work, living situations or other things. I think that is partially why I don't finish games completely, also because I don't want the experience to end. I also have certain cycles. For instance, one such cycle involves school. I will be all Gung-ho about my education but midway through the school year I will trail away into some other non productive but more creative avenues. Yet always trying to save myself at the end... see report cards for the data to prove it! Given Thrice, I am kinda psychic... kinda. I think its a mixture of precognitive empathy. If you doubt me then please lets do some tarot card reading... using only playing cards. I don't have tarot cards... Given Four, I will care for you until you break my heart... So let this be an insight into me and I hope to hear your givens!